


(i need memories)

by mainvocalrocky



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anterograde Amnesia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, theres a lot of crying and baekhyun is just confused
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 11:52:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12387534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mainvocalrocky/pseuds/mainvocalrocky
Summary: Baekhyun's memory resets every night, now.It's getting harder and harder for everyone to pretend everything was okay, to pretend nothing had happened.To pretend that they had lost nothing - no one.(a.k.a the anterograde amnesia fic no one asked for)





	1. now my heart is dull

**Author's Note:**

> **The first chapter is in Baekhyun's perspective, and the second is in Jongdae's!** Basically, the first is in Baekhyun's mind, who is sad and very confused, and then the second is Jongdae's, who is very sad and informed.
> 
> I honestly might delete this just because I'm not happy with how it came out, but, idk yet pff. I might change my mind

It was times like this where Baekhyun could only stay silent, silent and helpless.

 

He didn’t know why Chanyeol was crying, he couldn’t recall a single thing that would have caused it. He had always remembered Chanyeol with a smile on his face, but in times like this, he couldn’t help but wonder if there was a piece missing from his memory. A piece that was tearing Chanyeol down, just like it did now.

 

Chanyeol didn’t want Baekhyun to know, that was probably the only thing that he understood about all of this. He wandered over to Chanyeol’s room, only to find there was someone in there with him, with the lights off. The voice sounded like Junmyeon’s, and it was soft, calming to listen to.

 

Chanyeol’s choked sobs overpowered him, and the sound rung in Baekhyun’s ears, as if it was some distant memory.

 

“Baekhyunnie,” Jongdae started, blocking the door - he stood there casually, leaned against the door frame, as if there was nothing to be seen inside, “are you bored? I was thinking we could go into town, the weather’s really nice today.”

 

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun mumbled, a crease forming in his brow as he tried to get a look inside. He caught a glimpse of the two sitting on Chanyeol’s bed. Junmyeon held Chanyeol closely to his chest, arms wrapped around him, giving him security. Jongdae casually slid in to block his view.

 

“He’s not feeling well today.” Jongdae explained. It sounded as if he had said it a hundred times - he must have, with the twelve people living in their dorm. “He'll be okay. No worries.”

 

Baekhyun's eyes dropped from Jongdae's face, to his hands, hands that were clenched into fists so tight that Baekhyun wondered if it hurt. Jongdae must have noticed. He let go of the frustrating emotions that his hands gripped before reaching out for Baekhyun’s wrist, angeling him so he wouldn’t have a chance to peer back into Chanyeol’s room. “Come with me, yeah? We’ll go get groceries from the market. Junmyeon forgot yesterday.”

 

Baekhyun couldn’t stand how Jongdae was trying to lure him away from Chanyeol, when all he wanted to do was help, or at least make sure he was okay. Still, there was something buried deep in his mind that was telling him that he was going to be kept in the dark.

 

He went along with it. He trusted his friends, he knew they would make sure that Chanyeol would be okay.

 

“I was waiting for Minseok. Is it okay if he comes?” Jongdae asked. Baekhyun nodded, he was fine with that. He really liked Minseok, but recently, he was starting to wonder if he was angry with him. He wouldn’t look at him anymore. This morning, he got up early - Minseok was standing there in the kitchen, making coffee - but he left as soon as Baekhyun said hi.

 

He left for Luhan’s room, and didn’t come out since then. Baekhyun wondered if Luhan could tell him what was going on. Maybe he’d ask him later.

 

“Alright, let’s see if you can remember these for when we get there.” Jongdae began after reappearing from the kitchen, a little notepad in his hand. “Two cartons of eggs. Orange juice. Butter. Uhm...cookies? Yeah, let's do that too.”

 

Baekhyun nodded, but Jongdae wouldn’t stop staring at him, like he was expecting him to say something about his grocery list. He stayed silent, waiting for Jongdae to clarify.

 

“Can you repeat it?” Jongdae asked, smiling at him.

 

“Two egg cartons, orange juice, butter, and cookies.” Baekhyun repeated, raising a brow. What an odd request.

 

Jongdae responded with a prideful smile, as if he’d accomplished something, before wandering off into the kitchen again.

 

Baekhyun decided he would wait at the front door for him and Minseok, rather than going to get Minseok himself. He was afraid into Luhan’s room to find him anyway, because he must have disappeared in there to hide from Baekhyun, based on what happened this morning.

 

Baekhyun felt his heart sinking. He wondered if it was the same thing that was making Chanyeol cry.

 

He only realized he was pulling at the scarf he was tying around his neck a little too tight when it was starting to choke him. Maybe it was better to keep his head out of those thoughts, and focus on whatever Jongdae was trying to do to distract him. It would be easier to forget when he didn’t hear Chanyeol’s distant crying anymore.

 

“You okay?” Jongdae’s voice snuck up from behind him, pulling him out of his thoughts. Baekhyun only nodded, but he had a feeling that Jongdae knew what he was thinking.

 

Jongdae walked a few steps forward to fumble for his key, pulling Minseok along with him. Minseok didn't look himself, and it was scaring Baekhyun more than anything else today had. Jongdae was struggling to unlock the door, and usually Minseok would take over. He was good at it, but he stayed where he was, his head lowered, as if Jongdae was dragging a shell of his former self around with him.

 

“There we go…” Jongdae said with a relieved sigh once he finally managed to get the door open. He turned back to face the dorm, waving at no one in particular, “we’ll be back later!”

 

The silence that followed felt wrong.

 

Baekhyun followed closely behind Jongdae and Minseok. Their hands weren’t together anymore but they walked beside each other, in silence. Baekhyun wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t feel like talking, or putting in any effort to start up a conversation with them.

 

He wanted to go home, in all honesty, home to Chanyeol. 

 

But he wasn’t welcome.

 

“We’ll go to the outdoor market.” Jongdae decided as they approached a street crossing, making sure to press the button a few times so they could cross.

 

“Because of the produce girl, right?” Minseok finally said something.

 

“Produce girl?” Jongdae repeated, an eyebrow raised. He seemed to be just as confused as Baekhyun was.

 

“Produce girl. She always gives you a discount, because she’s in love with you.” Minseok explained casually, shrugging his shoulders. Baekhyun was still confused. He was pretty sure the guy at the produce stand in the outdoor market was the old farmer, not some girl in love with Jongdae. That was how it was the other day, at least.

 

“Ah! No, no, she gives me the discount because she likes when people talk to her!” Jongdae reasoned, dismissively waving his hands as he walked forward, into the street once the light let them pass. Minseok giggled, shaking his head.

 

“Have you  _ seen  _ how she looks at you? You might as well be married.” Minseok snorted. “There’s no way that discount comes from just being a nice guy.”

 

“Who are you guys talking about?” Baekhyun finally spoke up. He felt like he had been slamming his head into a wall trying to figure out what they were going on about.

 

They both turned to look at him for a moment, as if they had forgotten he had been following behind them this whole time. Minseok avoided his gaze and continued his path forward, but Jongdae tried for a smile as he took a step back to walk beside Baekhyun.

 

“What was the list again? I forgot.” Jongdae suddenly said. Baekhyun didn’t appreciate the sudden change of topic. Especially because he had no clue what list he was even referring to.

 

“What list?” Baekhyun murmured.

 

Jongdae looked down for a moment. “The grocery list?”

 

Baekhyun frowned. It was pretty stupid of Jongdae to forget his grocery list, especially when this was all his idea in the first place. Jongdae however, seemed to be more disappointed in Baekhyun forgetting, than himself, because he walked forward with a quiet sigh, once again beside Minseok.

 

Baekhyun huffed, pulling out his phone. This wouldn’t be so awkward if he knew what was going on with everyone.

 

He decided he would send someone a text, asking for a picture of the grocery list. The first name that popped into his head was Zitao’s, and even if he hadn’t seen the latter that morning, he decided he would ask him first.

 

_ Can u send a pic of the grocery list? Jongdae forgot it _

 

His phone buzzed a response almost immediately, which Baekhyun found odd. He must’ve been bored.

 

_ Tao _

_ >This number has been unregistered. If you think there is an error, please contact customer service at (xxx)-xxx-xxxx. _

 

There was a sort of panic that started to bubble in his throat. That didn’t make any sense. Zitao would have told Baekhyun if he changed his phone number, and even if not, Junmyeon would have said something about it in the group chat.

 

Baekhyun took a breath. Maybe he just needed to restart his phone.

 

They arrived at the market not long after, and Baekhyun decided to leave his phone in his coat pocket for a bit while it updated, which it was apparently very behind on. That was probably why his text to Zitao wasn’t going through. That was a relief.

 

Jongdae and Minseok went on with their pointless, confusing chatter as the three of them wandered through the market. There was a lot of unfamiliar things about it. Some of the stands had moved around, some were gone completely. The people were different, unfamiliar, but Jongdae seemed to know all of them, just like he always did. There was a new clothing shop towards the end, one that had been empty a few days ago.

 

Baekhyun swallowed nervously. He wondered if they were in a completely different market, because all these changes couldn’t have been possible within a few days.

 

He wanted to ask Jongdae, but he was afraid he would just change the subject again.

 

He pulled his phone out to distract himself, and thankfully, the updates had finally finished. He even considered calling Zitao at this point, because he knew that he wouldn’t act weird with him, not the way Jongdae and Minseok were. So he pressed the call button, and held his phone to his ear.

 

Jongdae quickly took notice, a look of panic on his face. Baekhyun scrunched his face up, not appreciating the looks he kept giving him.

 

The call went straight to voicemail.

 

“What are you doing?” Jongdae asked as he turned to face him, hands hovering, as if he wanted to take his phone from him. Baekhyun was almost tempted to take a step back. He slid his phone into his coat pocket again.

 

“I was just going to call Tao, and ask him for the grocery list.” Baekhyun explained, and he watched Minseok noticeably flinch.

 

Jongdae was forcing a smile now, and it was so painfully obvious that Baekhyun was almost a second off from telling him to cut it out. “Tao changed his phone number, Baekhyun, you can ask Jongin instead.” His hands were shaking, why the hell were his hands shaking? “He knows where I keep the lists, Tao doesn’t.”

 

Baekhyun puffed in frustration. That wasn’t the  _ point.  _ Jongin was acting just as weird as everyone else was, he just wanted to talk to Zitao, it felt like he hadn’t heard his voice in a million years and he just wanted to have a normal, not confusing conversation with somebody, dammit -

 

“Fine.” Baekhyun huffed, pulling out his phone to text Jongin the same thing he had texted Zitao earlier.

 

He felt like he should be angry with Zitao for not telling him something as changing his phone number. He was switching and updating his phones constantly, he had the money to do that, after all, so it was possible it had just slipped his mind. But still, that was important information.

 

He decided he would send Jongin a second text.

 

_ hey also, can u send me tao’s new number, he never gave it to me _

 

He shifted nervously after a few minutes, waiting for a response. He had seen that Jongin read the message, so now he was either getting the grocery list, or Zitao’s new number.

 

The phone was in his pocket again. This was giving him more anxiety than it should, and he decided it was pointless. Jondgae seemed to know what they needed anyway, and Baekhyun could just ask Zitao for his new number later, instead.

 

Baekhyun met the mysterious produce lady, who was weirdly sweet with him, despite having never met him before. The shaky smile was off putting too, and he wondered Jongdae was really making her that nervous.

 

“Jongdae?” Baekhyun asked, pulling at his sleeve as the latter moved to search through some oranges. “Can I go to that shop across the street?”

 

Jongdae tilted his head, moving his attention to Baekhyun. “The flower shop?”

 

Baekhyun nodded. “I feel like I should get something for Chanyeol. I think I’m the reason he’s crying.”

 

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae started, covering Baekhyun’s hands with his own, “that’s not true, not at all. He’s just had a rough day.” he looked over to Minseok, who stood a bit further off, staring off at nothing in particular. “I think we all have.”

 

It was another one of those weird answers he liked to give, one that Baekhyun didn’t really trust. “Still, I want to get him something.”

 

Jongdae gave a small sigh. “Are you sure? Don’t feel like you have to - ”

 

“I’m sure.” Baekhyun nodded, pulling his hands out of Jongdae’s. “You don’t need to treat me like a kid, you know, I’m older than you.”

 

Jongdae snorted, covering his face for a moment as he smiled - the only  _ real  _ smile he had seen from him all day - “Oh, come on. By what, four months?”

 

“Four months is four months,” Baekhyun reasoned as he started walking off, smiling back at him. Jongdae’s disappeared, and for a moment he reached a hand out to grasp him, but he hesitated. Maybe he remembered that Baekhyun was four months older than him, and he could handle himself.

 

Baekhyun waited at the street crossing, daydreaming for a few moments. He wondered what sort of flowers he should get for Chanyeol, what color - it was a tough decision, really, one that Baekhyun put a lot of thought into. They joked about it sometimes. He remembered a particular comment that Chanyeol made, saying that Baekhyun’s excessive thought process for flower arrangements was powerful enough to postpone weddings -

 

He wondered what sort of wedding he was talking about. He wondered if Chanyeol had their own wedding in mind.

 

Marrying Chanyeol. That was a crazy thought. He couldn’t even fathom  _ dating  _ someone has wonderful as Chanyeol. Sure, he had thought about it a hundred times before. He really wanted to do something with these feelings, he wanted to tell Chanyeol that those feelings were there, and he wanted to know if they were there for him too.

 

It just felt  _ right _ , as cheesy as the thought sounded. Chanyeol felt so right.

 

Maybe he would get white flowers. Maybe he would pretend he was arranging their wedding, just maybe.

 

His thoughts all seemed crumble in an instant, the flowers he had been imagining were shriveled up and dead - when he heard a horrible noise, loud enough to block out everything around him, even what was going on in his head. It was the loudest car horn he had ever heard in his life - he could’ve been in the car, for all he knew, that’s what it felt like.

 

But suddenly that’s what was happening. It was dark outside when it had been a clear day just a moment ago. It was raining,  _ pouring _ , everything around him was black, other than the blinding headlights not far off from where he was. The blood in his veins was rushing to his head and his face felt hot, and he realized he was upside down, but something was securing him down. A seatbelt - he was  _ in a car _ . God, was the car upside down-?

 

He couldn’t  _ see.  _ His hands were stretching out for something, anything, and he found a hand beside him - he grasped it as tight as he could the second he found it, tight enough to break it as he cried out, wanting answers, but everything seemed to go silent when he felt a warm liquid in the hand he held  - one that couldn’t possibly have been the rain -

 

“Hey, hey, Baekhyun, can you hear me?” Jongdae’s voice was there now, and the car horn was gone, the headlights were gone, everything he had imagined was gone. Jongdae squeezed his hand, and it wasn’t wet, there wasn’t any blood. It wasn’t raining, either. Everything was normal again. “You’re okay. You’re okay.”

 

Baekhyun couldn’t understand what was happening. They were back on the street corner, not far off from the crossing where he had just been standing. His knees were against the ground and Jongdae had his arms around him, and he was crying, why was he crying -

 

Baekhyun realized he was crying too, even while he couldn’t understand a single thing that was happening around him.

 

Minseok’s voice coming from behind him. He was yelling at someone, off in the distance. Baekhyun tried to turn his head, wondering where on Earth he was, and why he was yelling.

 

He was in the middle of the street, just about screaming at a man who had stepped out of his car to talk to him, in the middle of the road. Baekhyun noticed the tire marks in the road, black up to where this man had obviously come to a screeching halt.

 

“Hey, look at me,” Jongdae asked softly, his hands cupping Baekhyun’s cheeks, “are you okay?”

 

Baekhyun didn’t know how to answer. He wanted to know what was happening, why he was crying, and what that whole vision was. Why there was a car horn still blaring, ringing in his ears.

 

He didn’t answer Jongdae. Instead, he sank back into his chest, seeking some sort of comfort. Jongdae needed it too, with the way he was crying. Baekhyun chewed at his lip. Everyone was crying because of him.

 

Jongdae’s words started to go off the deep end again, and he wasn’t making any sense. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” he choked on his sobs, holding onto Baekhyun as if he would die if he let him go, even if his grip loosened a little. “I'm so glad…”

 

He felt another hand on his back - Minseok, who wasn't yelling anymore. It almost sounded like he was crying, too. “I'll call Junmyeon.” Minseok mumbled before standing again, over the two of them, his cell phone pressed to his ear.

 

“Jongdae…” Baekhyun mumbled, his voice desperate, hands clinging to Jongdae's shirt. He couldn't move, no matter how much he wanted to. His legs were heavy and they wouldn't pull him up, they were useless, just as useless as he felt. Jongdae didn't seem to hear him, his sobs were blocking everything out - but he never loosened his grip on Baekhyun, not for a second. “The list…”

 

That seemed to grab his attention for a moment. He was still crying, but he pulled back a bit so he was looking at Baekhyun. His eyes were wide. “You don't need to worry about that right now - ”

 

“No, I remember it now.” Baekhyun told him, feeling he should at least be doing something right in this situation. His voice was steadying, finally. “Two egg cartons...orange juice, butter, cookies. Did you get it all…?”

 

It was that weird smile again, somehow more real this time. “He - he remembered it, Minseok - ” Jongdae said hastily as he pulled a bit from Baekhyun, trying to get Minseok’s attention. Minseok eyed him like he was crazy at first, still on the phone with Junmyeon. He then seemed to realize what was going on, and he  _ smiled _ , he smiled past the tears in his eyes, something Baekhyun hadn't seen from him in what felt like months.

 

“That's...that's something, right?”


	2. and there are no tears left to shed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another day of lies was ahead. Another day of pretending they would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And pt.2, a.k.a Jongdae explains everything.

“Hyung,” Jongdae murmured as he wandered to their leader's room, leaning in the doorway.

 

Junmyeon wasn't asleep, which confused Jongdae at first, but then again, he should have expected it from him. The last few months had been hell for all of them, but it was the worst for Junmyeon. He took it all onto himself, no matter what anyone did to help him.

 

“What is it?” Junmyeon asked, a crease forming in his brow as he caught Jongdae's expression. He knew something was wrong, he didn’t have to ask.

 

“Chanyeol.” Jongdae answered simply. Junmyeon already knew what he was referring to - he didn't need a different explanation.

 

“He still has tears left?” Junmyeon murmured grimly as he pulled himself out of bed, voice breaking towards the end. Jongdae sighed, wondering the same. None of them knew what was causing these breakdowns - he had been relatively okay considering the situation, for the past six months. This week, however, was the hardest on him. It almost seemed worse than when they had received the news.

 

_ Yifan was dead when they pulled him out. Luhan died after the second car hit. Zitao is in the ICU, they're saying he doesn't have much longer left. Baekhyun isn't waking up. _

 

Jongdae nearly choked, remembering that phone call - but Junmyeon gripped his hand before he left the room. He knew exactly what he was thinking.

 

Yifan was driving, but it wasn't his fault. It was dark, storming, and the truck didn't have its headlights on. Their car slammed into the truck, crushing the front nearly flat and flipping it over a few times before finally coming to a stop a several feet away from the truck. That strike killed Yifan, the driver's side was the one impacted the most.

 

Junmyeon was broken. He wasn’t himself anymore, not after they led him to Yifan’s body in the hospital that night. They tried, they said. But he had died on impact, and there was nothing they could do to save him.

 

Junmyeon wasn’t the same after that. It was like a piece of him was missing, a hole in his heart that he could never fill.

 

“Make sure Baekhyun doesn’t see.” Junmyeon told Jongdae as he followed him to Chanyeol’s room.

 

“It’s Baekhyun’s room too, though.” Jongdae reminded him.

 

Junmyeon paused for a moment, chewing on his lip as he tried to think. “I’ll bring him in my room. It might be better if he’s not reminded of Baekhyun constantly, being in there.”

 

Jongdae wanted to agree, he had to agree, but it felt wrong, how they were all treating Baekhyun. It was as if he was a constant burden to everyone, and it was  _ true _ , even if Jongdae had a hard time admitting it.

 

He remembered what Chanyeol always cried in his hysteric sobs -  _ It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. He’ll never remember anyway. _

 

Jongdae walked past Luhan’s room as he followed Junmyeon. The door was closed, but he didn’t have to open it to see what was happening, because it was something he saw nearly every day. Minseok, leaned against the empty bed with his head between his knees, silent, breaths quiet enough to make Jongdae think he was dead, too.

 

Luhan was the one who called the ambulances. He was trapped in the front seat beside Yifan; he didn't know he was dead, judging by the phone call. He didn't know that this would end as horribly as it did, because he called Minseok next, he called him to tell him he loved him and that he was okay. He said  _ don’t worry _ , and Minseok believed him, for a second. Jongdae was there, he remembered. He remembered the horn that they heard, he remembered the scream that followed, the horrible scream that he couldn't put into words. He remembered how the line went dead.

 

Supposedly, another car slammed into the wreck. That was when Luhan died.

 

It was the hardest on Minseok. He was led to believe everything was okay, and in a second, everything crumbled. Minseok would never answer another call after that, no matter what. Even if the chances of this happening again were one in a million, he wouldn’t risk it. He wouldn’t risk witnessing someone he cared about so much die like that, ever again.

 

That was something Minseok never told Jongdae. He had called him one night while he was out, just to ask him if the front door was unlocked for him to get in. He didn’t want to knock, and wake everyone.

 

Jongdae didn’t get an answer, but he got a text from Junmyeon, asking if he was okay - which at first, he didn’t understand. When he came home, he found Junmyeon trying to comfort a very unstable Minseok, curled up and shaking in his grip.

 

Jongdae understood at that point that Minseok was panicking, afraid that exactly what happened to Luhan was going to happen to him, too.

 

Sighing shakily, he pushed the memory out of his head.

 

He had his hand wrapped around the doorknob before he opened it, finding exactly what he expected - Minseok curled up on the floor, completely silent, not making a single movement when Jongdae disturbed the piece.

 

He sat beside him for a few moments, but Minseok never moved, never acknowledged his presence.

 

“Do you want to come with us to the market later? We need to get Baekhyun out of the house.” Jongdae told him quietly, taking his hand. “If you can’t, I understand. But you can’t stay in here forever, you know that.”

 

Minseok leaned closer now, but his expression never changed, nor did his silence.

 

“I love you.” Jongdae told him, a reminder, squeezing his hand. Minseok squeezed back, but that was the extent of his reaction. Jongdae stood again, just after pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll come get you in a few minutes, I have to get Baekhyun first.”

 

Minseok gave the smallest nod in response before dropping his head back to his knees.

 

Jongdae’s heart sank as he turned to leave. Minseok had been like this nearly every day for the past two months - ever since everything happened.

 

He wandered back outside, closing the door behind them. It was something they had to do with Luhan’s room, Yifan’s and Zitao’s. Especially Zitao’s.

 

Zitao’s door was locked, only Junmyeon had the key. Baekhyun had tried to wander in there a few times, every time, breaking down. He would yell at the other members hysterically,  _ where’s Tao, why isn’t he here, why didn’t you tell me - _

 

The reality was, they locked it to prevent things like that from happening - Baekhyun’s memory would reset every night, so the possibility of it happening was one that could happen every day.

 

At first, they had no idea. Baekhyun was in a coma for a few days, completely unresponsive because of a head injury, according to the doctors. Jongdae spent those few days going back and forth from Baekhyun’s room and Zitao’s room.

 

Zitao deteriorated every day. Junmyeon would cry every time he saw any sign of this, and Zitao would cry along with him. He didn’t want to die, he was so  _ afraid _ . He was shaking badly enough to make it look like he was freezing to death, and it never stopped, not for a moment.

 

“Is Baekhyun awake?” Zitao would ask Jongdae about three times a day, and each time, his answer was no. Jongdae was starting to fear that his answer would never change, but finally, he was able to answer him with  _ yes, Tao, he’s awake, he woke up this morning and he’s okay - _ of course, it was the day where Zitao’s condition dropped a few meters.

 

After that, they didn’t take the oxygen mask from his face. He couldn’t eat without the feeding tube. His eyes were sunken, and he seemed to lose his light and color every day.

 

That day, they let Baekhyun see Zitao, even though he had only opened his eyes a few hours prior. They had him in a wheelchair, wheeling an IV with him - he could hardly hold himself up, and the doctors urged them to be as careful as possible, but he was  _ begging _ to see Zitao, after hearing the news of the two deaths.

 

He  _ needed  _ to see him before he joined Yifan and Luhan.

 

Zitao had lost his ability to even keep a grip when he finally saw Baekhyun again. All ten of them were crowded into that room, but Jongdae knew it wasn’t crowding to him - it was comforting, he needed this, he couldn’t do it alone.

 

And he wasn’t. In the end, he was surrounded by the people that mattered to him. And that night, thirteen days after the accident, Zitao was the third victim to die.

 

But the next morning, Baekhyun asked all of his questions again.

 

“What happened? Why am I in a hospital?”

 

“Where’s Yifan?”

 

“Luhan?”

 

“Tao?”

 

It didn’t take the doctors very long to realize what exactly was going on. After the next few days, and the repetitive questions, they realized Baekhyun’s memory was resetting. He was unable to create new memories after the accident, and it was becoming clear that he didn’t remember any of the accident either.

 

“Baekhyunnie,”Jongdae murmured, back in the present when he found Baekhyun wandering outside of the room that Chanyeol’s cries were coming from. He looked lost, hurt, and confused.

 

Jongdae moved into the doorway, casually leaning against the frame in a  _ nothing to see here  _ kind of manner.  “Are you bored? I was thinking we could go into town, the weather’s really nice today.”

 

It was something he used as a distraction whenever things like this happened. It was good to get Baekhyun out of the house, and Jongdae used this to start working on Baekhyun’s memory. Every time they went out, he had him repeat their grocery list.

 

Baekhyun hadn’t been able to recall it once.

 

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun mumbled under his breath, the look in his eyes just about breaking Jongdae’s heart. He was so worried, confused - he just wanted to help Chanyeol, that was clear to him.

 

But Jongdae knew that Baekhyun was unwanted, no matter how much Chanyeol wanted that to be the opposite.

 

_ It would’ve been better if he died too - _

 

Chanyeol’s words were engraved into everyone’s minds. He regretted them the second they left his mouth, and everyone knew that he did - and no one blamed him for it. Sometimes, that’s how it felt, that’s how they thought. Baekhyun was a constant, walking reminder of the friends they lost.

 

As much as they wanted to avoid the thought, they all knew that they had lost Baekhyun too. Chanyeol had lost every memory with Baekhyun that was proof of any relationship they had. It was only a few days before the accident that they had  _ finally  _ told each other their feelings, but now, that was gone - and they had no way of knowing what lie dormant in Baekhyun’s thoughts now.

 

Chanyeol had given up. He was broken, broken in a way that nothing but Baekhyun could fix.

 

“He’s not feeling well today.” Jongdae told Baekhyun. It was his answer every time, and in a way, it was always true. But it was far deeper than Baekhyun could ever understand. “He'll be okay. No worries.”

 

Jongdae took a shaky breath when Baekhyun dropped his gaze. This charade was starting to become too much for him.

 

Another day of lies was ahead. Another day of pretending they would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to check out my other works! Also, my tumblr, radamn!
> 
> >> The title of the fic and chapters is taken from VIXX's song, 'Memory'! It's amazing, please listen to it oml.


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